Manage Your Self-talk

Who is your biggest critic that never leaves you alone? Who do you spend more time with than any person in your life and is that a person that encourages you or reminds you of all of your past failures (or both)? If you are like me the answer for me is me. From the time I get up to the time I go to bed I have this running commentary going in my head. It is known as self-talk and according to Scientific American everybody does it.

Reference.com says the definition of Self-talk is: “the act of talking to oneself, either aloud or silently and mentally”. It is that little voice that is constantly running in our head that seems to have an opinion on everything and we tend to use it to validate our thoughts and actions throughout the day (and night).

Given that we all have this voice and that it has a large influence on our thoughts and actions, it only makes sense that we discipline that voice to help us rather than diminish us. Just like we control other impulses in our nature, we can control that voice and harness it to help us have a more positive and effective outcome on our decisions, actions and well, about every aspect of our lives.

Since we live in our heads more than any other place, let’s make that a nice place to live. The first thing is to recognize that voice and realize that we can control it, rather than it control us.

Start by listening to that voice and see what it is saying. Is it a positive and reinforcing message or a negative and destructive message? Is it telling us that we are capable and making us stronger or is it placing doubt in our mind and holding us back? If it is providing a positive message of encouragement and support, our self-talk is actively engaged in helping us be more successful. If our self-talk is negative and introducing doubt and/or reminding us of past failures then it is working against us. If it is not a positive conversation, then it is time to learn to manage that conversation and turn it into our greatest supporter.

According to Psychology Today, “the more you talk yourself down and second-guess yourself, and see change as calamitous, the less free your mind is to roam through creative solutions of the problems you face.”

It is not as hard to make the change as we might think. However, like any other habit, it will take effort and practice to turn the corner and make it stick. If our self-talk is not positive then turn the tables on that conversation and make it positive. When we hear something like “I’m not sure I can talk in front of that group. What if I forget what I am saying or stumble getting to the podium, or…or…or…” take the effort to turn the tables and remind yourself that you are most able to deliver this talk, you are knowledgable, rehearsed and ready. If I trip on the way to the podium we will just all have a good laugh. Make that conversation work for you, not against you.

Put those negative thoughts in a box and don’t let them out. When you hear that self-talk going negative, put it aside and remind yourself of the positive and keep repeating it until the negative is gone. It is amazing how well this works. When our self-talk is positive it is as if the crowd is with us and I becomes We and we can do anything.

Make it personal. Speak to yourself by name. According to the Wall Street Journal, research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who spoke to themselves by their own name performed better under stress than referring to themselves as I. As an example saying to myself, “Skip you know you can do this,” produces stronger results than “I know I can do this”. I find that interesting, how about you?

So what can we do? Here are some practical suggestions:

1. Listen to yourself. If that conversation is not reinforcing, change that habit. Take control and establish a new habit.
2. Talk to yourself by name. Use the power of your name to turn you into a stronger we.
3. Give yourself permission to be imperfect. Embrace your imperfections, they are what makes you who you are. Nobody is perfect. Others are having self-doubt too, you are not alone in this.
4. Surround yourself with positive people. There is a good chance that these people have a positive self image and their self-talk is more positive than destructive. The reinforcement helps build new habits.
5. Put positive thinking into practice. Here are some simple examples of changing the negative to positive:

The way we manage our inner conversation can have a great impact on our confidence and actions. It is another tool that can help us achieve our goals and reduce stress in our lives.

I hope this has been helpful. I have thoroughly enjoyed sharing this with you and look forward to our next opportunity to spend a few minutes together. Please feel free to express your thoughts and experience on this in the comments below.

Thanks,

Skip Gilbert